On waiting

I wait for death like most people wait for true love
With a lifetime of longing for a moment-long embrace
Lucid dreams of what it would be like
And plans, grand elaborate plans for the tiny fraction of a second when we finally meet

I imagine death to be the ultimate second chance
The (real) point of letting go and starting afresh
And I imagine relief, like a landslide with its “this is the end of pain” and “you tried”
Gently coaxing me into submission
Washing over
For the first time it wouldn’t matter if it covers me completely
It wouldn’t matter if it seeps into my ears and windpipe and settles beneath my fingernails
Can you imagine that?
For nothing to matter at all ?
I imagine that’s what freedom would taste like too
After years of struggling, fighting, denying – it would be but a fitting end
I’d even call it winning, winning life over
Oh, and the weightlessness
I imagine floating out and watching my overweight body clinging to the remaining pieces of my broken heart inside
It’s almost sweet how much my body wants to live
But body fat doesn’t protect you from pain and heartbreak and feelings and people, nothing does
So, I wait
To watch and not feel a thing when it happens
For that one perfect split second of absolute detachment
A thing of beauty really
And silence, I hope

I wait, to be at peace in the end