Letting you go

That feeling
Like hitting a wall head on, blindfolded

Claustrophobic
Inside my own mind
Holding my breath, as if it makes me weightless
Like waves crashing onto me

When I don’t have a life-jacket on
I scramble around for a hand to hold
After all, I love the ocean and the waves
They could never be the end of me, could they ? – I think

I take a few faltering steps
Like a game of minecraft – calculating

One step at a time

Thinking, plotting, deciding

Not sure to accomplish what
Taking so much longer than I thought

Losing my way so often
Always ending up at the same spot

When I feel you slipping away
The memories and the face
The warmth of your smile

And the sound of your voice
I hold on tight to whatever I have left
Dig up pictures, desperate
Think up dreams and make up ghosts
To get a glimpse of you perhaps
But the pain is too real, almost physical
Sometimes it gets hard to breathe

That some days I look for you in the streets

I imagine you smiling at me
Because you think I got this
Telling me you understand
How I always want to do right by you

That I am but your shadow
All of this and also you 

Somehow letting me be so unapologetically happy

So I imagine a life with you around
With things you would have said to me
I know I know
It’ll never be the same anymore

And yet I do 

Because when all is said and done

I don’t think I’ll ever let go of you