Lets talk about my sugar addiction

I just spent days
Forcing myself to not want
Trying to break away
From things that aren’t, never were and never will be
Burying possibilities
Killing the curious cat of what it would be like

Not thinking about the road not taken – which really is just easier said than done
Turns out, not my cup of tea, its not.

Not a big deal, the old me would have shrugged
But this new me
The one with this metaphorical limb attached to you
This me doesn’t understand
The new me wants to pull on the chains
Mine and yours too
She wants to remove the blinds and let the sunlight pour in
Let it flow and burn till it’s over
She wants to walk in the rain and let it wash away
What is it about rainwater that makes things alright ?
She wants to keep walking till her feet hurt – which wouldn’t be for long, she isn’t exactly the fit kind
But she also wants to move on
From her unicorn dreams
And stop reading about parallel universes
She wants to live in her blanket fort
Socks on
With her torch
And two books – thriller and a classic
A notebook and a pen
An endless supply of sweet milky tea
And a chocolate chip cookie

She wants to live in there till the storm is over

Till all these voices in her head get tired and stop whispering to her

Till she feels this weight lifted off of her

Till she goes back to being the old her

She desperately wants all of that but also
For some strange reason she doesn’t yet acknowledge
She wants you there too

Maybe it’s the limb

You grew on me like sugar
Bits of you in everything
Trickling into my bloodstream

Giving me these intense highs I couldn’t get out of

Making me feel powerful
Mid mornings and evenings
Some nights and so many days

You don’t realize while addiction happens

You only realize when you start falling into these avalanches of darkness without them
Do you know how exhausting it is to want something with every atom, molecule, cell of your body?
I craved and craved for that instant rush you give me
Eating it all up, ravenous – every single time I could
But each time, the higher I rose
I fell back deeper into this delirium of nothingness
Again and again and again

You grew on me like sugar
You were everywhere
In every little thing around me
I knew it wasn’t for me
That it would only result in mind numbing stupidity
Drown my world in its gooey presence and soak my life in it
That it would be impossible to go back to being the same again
And yet I just couldn’t stop stuffing my face with the sick sweet taste of it, could I ?