Misfit Memoir

For someone who identifies so much as a misfit
I really like things that fit
I also hate how obvious this is
We all do
Clothes that flatter and wings that flutter
Wordplay that gives joy
Grouped together
Fit makes everything better
Like the exact distance between the top of your head and mine
Perfectly angled when we need to communicate
Mid conversation acknowledgements – of words, nods, silent yawns and sighs
That’s a good fit
Like how I fit into the space between your arms during our very awkward hugs
Your hand on the small of my back
And how I can nuzzle my face right between your face and shoulder – I do that sometimes, don’t I?
On days when I struggle to find the right words and things to do
I borrow a little bit of you
Your thoughts and phrases to get through my day
Fitting right in, in their slightly crude and stringy way
Your perfectly fitting oversized jackets
Ending just over my knees – who even knew I needed those
Well at least the one I managed to steal a long time ago
It’s just roomy and home-y and rest of the things the others couldn’t be
I wonder if you do the same
Try to fit me in your very very broken Jenga – ish life
Amidst your pieces of literally everything important
Do I make it there – one little block holding a little something?
It’s funny how you keep getting these enormous blocks from oblivion
As if to make up for everything my little piece wouldn’t ever hold
Massive – like the void you left in my heart and life (?)
I have been reading you see
Now I know the exact words to explain what it is
Pretty damn proud of it too
My life and the you-shaped void,
Your Space Jenga pieces and the tiny little “me” piece
Never fitting and always, always a little lost
For someone who calls herself a “misfit” too much – it sure does bother me a lot.