I do not understand love
One that tells me to smile when I do not want to
Love that expects me to accept that it’s okay to hurt me because you love me
You see I knew someone who did that and I hated it
It’s the little things
Things like the act of switching to higher decibels to force what “right” is
You would have known that if you had asked but you did not, and I don’t understand a love where I would seat you like a child and tell you that don’t
Don’t remind me of things that I have worked so hard to get rid of
Things I’ve drowned in the sound of the radio playing at the background on Sunday mornings then and the humdrum of traffic now
Things I slid inside my pillowcases before lucid dreaming the same old dream, of my one trip to a far off planet – lonely, purple and quiet
Love that makes excuses on your behalf for not knowing this, I don’t get it.
I am not a broken person. At least not completely I like to think.
But I don’t understand love when my best friend tells me to do the most practical thing while it feels like the end of the world and like someone just sliced pieces of my heart like that half ripe mango on your kitchen counter – the one that looks soft on the outside but you need to really cut through.
It’s love they say. In all shapes and sizes and ways and forms.
Love teaches you forgiveness and strength and makes you change your temperament because somebody must. And I can’t let go of something so special now can I ?
I know I know there’s love behind all of these and maybe someday I’ll comprehend it for what it is.
But until then, I fight these seemingly green mountains of love around.
Love that denies me of memories. And the one that takes away the little treasures I hid in the corners of my head. I end up there a few times more than I would have liked but I guess you look for fireplaces when it’s chilly outside.
Love that makes me not want to step out, not speak, not create any stories to laugh about. One that makes it okay for me to give up on myself and wish others did too sometimes.
For now I try and fail.
I try and fail to understand love.
Love that exhausts me, everyday and makes me wonder – maybe I’ve been looking for a different word all along.
