My Whole Heart

I love you with my whole heart – all four chambers
I think this while you snort away at something only you find humor in
I glance at you – somewhat diagonally, and I try to recall how does the blood pump in and out really
I love you with all the pure blood in my arteries and the impure in my veins
With every single pulse of the valves
But maybe that’s the problem
Because I, love you in waves
Rushing, always rushing
With a little bad flowing in and good flowing out
I smear my love on you like adding oxygen, forcing to keep it alive
This
To keep this alive
I take a deep breath – let more oxygen flow in this time and I think about my heart
The little porous blob that it is
Beating steadily under my watch
Almost too delicate to exist
I imagine the craters created over the years
Of deep cuts and gentle bruises
And a few missing parts now
Parts that disappeared with people that left
Important people who also, had my whole heart I think
I see my baggage there – stubbornly clinging to my arteries
Quietly
Emerging only on sunny days as I sprint towards light
You’d think they’d have a surgery to fix that by now
And I see abysses in my heart I do
Like the ones from our dreams
Empty, bottomless, denying efforts that I throw at them now
And I get it, it’s scarred and tired and I have no right anymore

I wish it was still whole though – for you and everyone who will come and go

When I love you with my whole heart now
I try to give you everything that’s left
Memories – from a past life
Scars I’ll forever hide
Empty spaces sealed in corners we will never visit
They are too numb for new faces anyway
I give you – a semi functional anatomical structure, undying and fiercely holding me still with every beat
But mostly and selfishly, when I love you with my whole heart
I give you, to hold on your palms – the little hopeful parts of me