I struggle with separation
With letting go and moving on and forgetting things and hoping for new beginnings
I hate the first hellos and goodbyes and the heartfelt hugs I’m supposed to give someone I’ve just met
And I’m terrible at cracking jokes and telling compelling stories without getting too excited about them. I always end up grouping my words into one single never ending sentence that only you could make sense of. You and all of them.
I worry about what to drink with someone new and am absolutely against small talk but trust me, nobody wants to talk about their childhood in their first meetings. So I end up drinking terrible tasting beers at all places now.
You see, I’m bad at beginnings.
So I struggle
To not think of you and them when I pass that one place where we once ate
Where I said something while all of you listened – navigating through little trajectories and mini stories as part of the main plot
That one moment of absolute harmony when we all cared
We all cared for the tiny details of what happened to one of us like it was a secret binding us forever from that point onwards
I want to call you and them and talk about it again, but I don’t
Nobody likes a romantic – live in the present, you tell me
Well, you and my therapist both
So, I struggle in silence
To not make a big deal of things
Of google photos and Instagram stories and familiar chai stops
Of gyms and the clothes I wore to those gyms where I went with you
Weirdly remembering so many of your outfits, yours, and theirs
Of brands we loved and bands we discovered together
Of music from other times, found only on VH1 and listened on FM through earphones we saved for and bought together
I struggle at familiar places and unfamiliar circumstances
I want to reach out and remind you
Call, talk, reminisce – even if for a little while but I don’t
I want to tell you about all the beginnings sprouting up now
How they scare me, and how I almost definitely made a fool of myself with these new people I am supposed to call friends now
How I did things you would be proud of
Oh and the one time I shared secrets with them
Felt like breaking a pact, our pact
I want to tell you all about it
But I obviously don’t
I don’t
Because you know what I have realized through all of this
Through these struggles and dealing with newness and while mourning the end of my comfort zone
I’ve realized that it’s easier to let go of unimportant things
And unimportant people
Of what doesn’t matter and maybe never did as much to begin with
I realized, that you have now let me go
You and all of them.
